The Prize: “There is no leadership challenge!”

The Prize: “There is no leadership challenge!”: There is no leadership challenge As Titanurasians prepared for Christmas shopping with what little money they have left after forking out...

“There is no leadership challenge!”

There is no leadership challenge

As Titanurasians prepared for Christmas shopping with what little money they have left after forking out for outrageous utility bills caused by bureaucratic stuff ups the inner circle pour over internal polling.

To say the news is disappointing is what one might describe as an underestimation.

The Premiere of the Province of Titanuranus was of the belief that tight austerity measures announced in the budget 6 months earlier would earn the respect of the voting public and the Premiere would be seen as ‘strong’.

Some of us in the press gallery were of the same view as was the entire inner circle.

Press Conference

However, one of our colleagues in the press gallery at the budget day press conference, Natt Penholm, from The Titanuranusian,  asked the question.


“You do realise you have just written your own death certificate don’t you?”.

Of course the Premiere disagreed but that question had stuck in my mind.

At first Titanuranusians thought cutting back the ‘suits’ in the civil service would go down well.

After all, all they do is sit around staring at graphs and thinking up ways to make life harder than it is already is.

But, as reality does, reality set in!

Turkeys won’t vote for an early Christmas so who gets the chop?

Front line services

Front line services:  nurses, police, emergency services, schools, hospitals.

For the opposition it is manna from heaven!

Titanuranusians react angrily.

Rallies, marches, biscuit drives.

The Province Architect is spotted outside the Ivory Tower seeking reassurance, as is the Province Social Inclusion Commissioner.

The Climate Change office is busy flushing shower timers down the toilet and the Climate Change Adaptation Unit have locked their door and are busy ‘adapting’ to each other.

The sycophants in the inner circle fly into action.

Crusty, the CEO, is frantically typing a memo to the staff, the opposition, the unions and the media.

“I will attach a diagram of the Westminster System” he proudly exclaims.

The Senior Political Adviser has just scored an eight letter word in Scrabble and is busy doing cartwheels in the hallway.

The Senior Economic Adviser has set up a graph on an easel and is frantically jerking himself off.

“Next graph please”.

Meanwhile the backbenchers are restless.

Restless locals

They are bunkered down in their electorate offices as their constituents are outside throwing rocks and empty tins of dog food.

The phones are running hot to the office to one of the ambitious young men on the front bench.

He has the numbers but they are not as decisive as he would like.

Anyway, the timing is appalling, it is Christmas.

A government insider tells me that the Premiere has a cunning plan.

The Premiere calls each member of the team in one by one to placate them with the story that legislation will be introduced to increase the numbers in the House.

This means that although they will still get slaughtered at the polls they will still retain their seats.

This is flawed logic as an increase in numbers is not achievable.

Politicians are generally not the sharpest tools in the shed however and fall for it hook, line and sinker.

After all, it is their own arse they are concerned about, not the health and well being of society.

A faceless man

The problem is solved for now.

But who to blame.

Blame needs to be laid anywhere but at the government’s own feet.

One of the inner circle comes up with the answer.

“We will blame the faceless men in the unions”.

The entire inner circle celebrate.

Facelesss men

“How devious” says one.

“So clever” says another.

“A stroke of genius” proclaims a third.

Meanwhile the faceless men and Titanuranusians in general go about their Christmas shopping with what little money they have left after paying the electricity bill. 

The Prize: Ivory Tower Syndrome

The Prize: Ivory Tower Syndrome: The Ivory Tower There is a mental illness in politics known as ivory tower syndrome. The symptoms include losing touch with reality altog...

Ivory Tower Syndrome

The Ivory Tower

There is a mental illness in politics known as ivory tower syndrome.

The symptoms include losing touch with reality altogether and failing to recognise unrest amongst the locals.

These symptoms are perpetuated by what is known as the inner circle.

The inner circle is meant to be a small group of knowledgeable people who keep the Premiere informed and advised.

The inner circle can also be just a pack of pathetic sycophants.

Let us look at the make-up of the inner circle.

The CEO in the office of the Premiere should be knowledgeable, well respected and a leader.

The Inner Circle

However, every stakeholder in the province had washed their hands of the government because of his rude and ignorant manner.

He has no personal skills, the personality of a tree stump and his only qualification is he is a friend of a former Premiere, Michael Meadow.

Michael Meadow was the worst Premiere the province Titanuranus has ever had.

As the Fat Iranian, Senator Robert Rayi, bellowed  at the time, get rid of Michael Meadow, get rid of him, get f**king rid of him!

Apart from being Michael Meadow’s friend the CEO has got where he is by dealing with any situation in the classic civil service manner of saying “I don’t know what to do” or “I don’t know what to say”.



Crusty the Clown



We in the press gallery have little cause to deal with him but we have all read his memos he sends us which have us rolling around on the floor in fits of laughter and we refer to him as ‘Crusty the Clown’.

The CEO’s deputy also has the personality of a doormat, is arrogant beyond belief and has a disturbing habit of arriving at media events before the Premiere does leaping out of the limousine giggling and waving her arms around like a teenager.

The so called Senior Political Advisor is in fact a has-been journalist who is quite a good Scrabble player but has no political nous at all.

The chief economic advisor is actually quite a smart young man.

His problem is he has been having for some time a masturbatory affair with the notion of cutting the size of the civil service

On the odd occasions when the Premiere has forgotten to say “Titanuranus needs to cut the size of the civil service” during the doorstop interview itself he would chase us all down the driveway yelling “The Premiere forgot to say the government needs to cut the size of the civil service.”

Michael Meadow did it years ago and was left with the legacy of being the worst Premiere ever.

This Premiere is hell bent on toppling him for that title.

"Next graph please"

The governments own polling shows the main opposition party will comfortably get 15 seats, the minor opposition party will struggle to get 4 seats and the government itself will struggle to get 6 seats.

The Premiere’s only answer to this is to hold slide nights and say “Next graph please”.

They will be left in the political wilderness for years.

On the Road Again

On the Road Again

Tiatnuranusians like to see their elected representatives now and then and In order to keep the prize that is government it is necessary to move around the province as much as a government can.
This is a made difficult by the fact that the parliament sits in the capital and the government is run out of the capital itself.

These excursions are known as ‘road trips’ and the Premiere always goes on these trips bearing gifts.

The Press gallery generally go on these road trips as well just in case the Premiere falls off a ladder.

We, the press gallery are about to set off on one of these road trips.

A comprehensive one across most of the province including the government’s much vaunted regional community meetings.

Aquatic Centre?

Titanuranusians are somewhat parochial.

If one town has an aquatic centre every town wants an aquatic centre.

Our first stop is Westborough, population = 1,357.



Aquatic Centre?

The locals have formed a committee and drawn up plans for an aquatic centre and asked their local member to get the funding.

As we await the Premiere’s arrival a local chap asks “this is not about this bloody aquatic centre is it?

We don’t need an aquatic centre” he says.

“We need a medical centre and a new fire engine.

There is a bloody great brand new aquatic centre 20 minutes away in Lorenston.”

The local is led away down the High Street by government staffers to the pub with promise of free beer for the next hour just as the Premiere's limousine pulls up and the cameras start rolling.

The One Millionth Passenger

We are waiting for the government owned airline (The TA Line) flight TA87 to land at Lorenston Airport.

The one millionth passenger is due to arrive with much fanfare.

I ask a government staffer what method is used to determine just who is the one millionth passenger.

“The most photogenic of course” he replies.

“There she is now, grab hold of the one in the red dress” he tells his colleagues.

The one millionth passenger

She is whisked away to a private room provided by the airport authorities to meet the Premiere.

They are in luck. Not only is she good looking, she can string a sentence together as well.

The lucky passenger is showered with gifts and the Premiere takes all the credit for buying the airline in the first place.

The 10 Days on Titanuranus Arts Festival

We arrive at Swan-on-Sea to see a sculpture which has been created as part of the 10 Days on Titanuranus Arts festival.

However all hell has broken loose.

An artist has produced a sculpture of an anchovy made of anchovies.

It has a distinct odour to it.

A quick get way!

The Mayor is demanding the sculpture be taken to the local tip as it “stinks to high heaven” and is driving tourists away.

The artist protests he will not be taking it to the tip as it is “a work of bloody art”.

A quick decision is made to give the event a miss.

The government’s much vaunted regional community meetings

These meetings supposedly connect the Government with the local council and the local community to establish better relationships.

The Premiere begins the speech no matter where in the province they are with the statement “Well it is good to be back in my favourite little part of the province.

The locals lap it up.

A government staffer tells me she has been going to these things for 12 years and the first one she went to was right here in this very hall in Spottsdale.

She points out several locals who were at that forum 12 years ago.

She refers to them as poor silly saps, who would be if they could be and sad bastards in general.

She also tells me 3% of those invited by mail actually turn up.

It is a controlled situation developed over the years where nothing can go wrong and even better nothing is achieved.

"... my favourite litte part of the province"

The staffer tells me if the taxpayer knew how much of these charades costs they would be horrified.

I think to myself the taxpayer would be horrified in general.

A Matter of Public Importance!

I am sitting in the press gallery watching the proceedings in the parliament of the province of Titanuranus.

The parliament of Titanuranus is based on the adversarial Westminster system.

The Government consists of The Premiere, the Deputy Premiere, the front benchers (who hold ministries) and the back benchers (who do not hold a ministry but generally harbour a desire to do so).

We are about to move onto Matters of Public Importance whereby the opposition parties can raise and talk at length about perceived issues of concern to the public.

“Are there any Matters of Public Importance?” asks the Speaker of the House.

In the parliament of Titanuranus the speaker is like the headmaster in school and his job is to keep order.

In fact the speaker yells out the word ‘order’ several times a day accompanied by the banging of his gavel.

If the speaker (resplendent in his robes) rises out of his chair this is a signal for the TV cameras to focus on him as he is usually going to threaten to throw a member out of the chamber for misbehaving.

Once again the speaker asks “Are there any Matters of Public Importance?”

The leader of the opposition produces a newspaper article featuring a picture of the Premiere and his Deputy so engrossed in playing the one armed bandits they had not noticed the photographer.

“Mr Speaker, this is not the first time this pair have been caught out moonlighting to finance their ridiculous policies.”

The opposition leader is just warming up.

The Premiere and his Deputy have form.

“Who can forget Mr Speaker, the appalling sight on our TV screens of these two prancing through verdant wood promoting a brand of margarine Mr Speaker!”

I notice the two in question have both skulked out of the chamber.

“Mr Speaker, they have both left the chamber” bellows the opposition leader.

“Have they gone to busk in Salamander Place I wonder?

Maybe they can perform "Buddy, Can you spare a dime? Mr Speaker.”

The opposition leader feels he is on a roll and goes on to list some of the expensive policy implementations that have gone awry.

He begins with Premiere’s ill-fated idea to pump water up one side of a mountain and down the other to create a 'produce paddock'.

He then moves on to the Deputy Premiere’s disastrous idea to build a floating hospital.

“You have to give her points for ingenuity Mr Speaker.

She could have the hospital towed to whatever part of Titanuranus that was politically convenient for her at the time”.

The Clerk of the House wakes the speaker from his slumber.

The speaker tells the opposition leader his time is up.

"But I have not got around to the dubious nature of some of the plantations in our National Parks” protests the Opposition Leader.

The speaker tells him to take his seat.

The onus is on the government to disprove the opposition’s accusations.

However, they usually resort to waffling on and on to use up time and not address the matter at hand.

A back bencher rises to his feet to defend the government.

"Before I begin Mr Speaker, I have a communiqué from the Premiere and his Deputy.

Mr Speaker, they have so far raised $3.50 busking in Salamander Place.

Every little bit helps Mr Speaker!”

The Speaker looks unimpressed with this poor attempt at humour.

The backbencher continues on unperturbed.

“The government has put in place a whole raft of measures Mr Speaker!

These include putting a plan on a page, an ingenious idea if there ever was one.

We all put a plan on a page Mr Speaker – inspirational I call it.”

Everyone in the press gallery is googling ‘plan on a page’.

“We are also building a framework Mr Speaker.”

“Mr Speaker, I am building a pagoda in my backyard and we as a government are building a framework for Titanuranus.”

The speaker is clearly irritated.

“Can we get to the point?” he asks.

The backbencher indicates he is building up to what he terms ‘The Jewel in the Crown’.

“Mr Speaker, the government of Titanuranus has been sending out memos to the opposition parties, the trade unions and the media that contain highly sensitive information.

This has had them all rolling around on the floor laughing until it hurts.

These memos, Mr Speaker, also contain frequent references to Waldo the dog’s health and temper.

Personally, Mr Speaker, I am particularly pleased about this as I am rather fond of our furry friends and as the house is aware I am the patron of the Royal Society of Furry Animals."

Just then the fire alarm rings as it has been deliberately set off by a government staffer.

It is nearly time for lunch anyway.

The Little Tramp
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